Getting Ready For Your Next Relationship



If you have just come out of a relationship and considering finding a new potential life partner STOP now and consider these questions:

1.Are you really over your past relationships?

Taking past emotional baggage into a new relationship is likely to ruin it before it gets off the ground. Make a list of your beliefs about relationships? Do you believe it’s possible for you to have a totally successful relationship? Do you deserve it? If you don’t love yourself, you are unlikely to allow yourself to feel loved and if someone tells you they love you, then you are likely to doubt their honesty or their motives!

Imagine we live in a world where everyone is loveable and deserves to be loved – especially you. Write a list of 10 reasons why you deserve to be loved (a different list everyday for a month).
 
Do what you need to do to heal the past and love yourself.

2.Do you know what you really want?
 
Make a list of your ‘values’, things that are really important to you in a relationship. Write down as many ‘values’ as you can. When you think you have them ask yourself

• What else is important?
• What is my supportive inner voice telling me I want?
• Which one have I forgotten?
• If I had all these met in a relationship what might cause me to want to leave anyway? (this is guaranteed to bring up more values).

Be sure your list is about what you want not what you don’t want e.g. “not violent’, but rather “kind’, ‘gentle’ etc.

When you’re sure you have them all, arrange them in order of importance. Use this as a shopping list to check out whether you are likely to get your values met at the earliest time in a relationship. 





How to be successful in relationships



SO you have the partner of your dreams...what do you need to do to keep it a success? Here are some tips to keep you on track.

1. Always think about things from your partners’ perspective. What might their take be on the situation?

2. Find out how they know they are loved. People need different things to be sure. For some it’s the way you look at them or the gifts you give. For others it’s hearing the right thing...and some people need that special touch to really know.

3. Get to know your partners values. What are the things that are really important to them? How do they match with yours? What’s their criterion for honouring or violating them?

4. Keep contributing to the relationship. What can you do to keep it fresh and inspiring?

5. Listen...and keep talking openly and honestly about your feeling.





Making Friends With Your Fears



5 Top Tips for Eliminating Negative Self Talk

People often tell us “I beat myself” up. Why do we do that?  We the answer is we don’t do it consciously, but we learn (from our parents, teachers etc) to do it unconsciously, in fact many people aren’t even aware of how their own self talk sabotages them.  Here are 5 top tips for eliminating negative self talk and feeling great!

1.Remember a time when were affected by your own negative self talk. Think of an example of what you have you been saying to yourself when things you’ve done haven’t been  perfect.  e. g.  “I’m useless”,  “I’m a plonker” etc. Now modify the words to something like “I sometimes get things wrong and I can learn from this  ..., and I often get things right too”. How does that change things for you?

2.Notice the tonality you use when beating yourself up. Using the same words, simply  change the tonality of what you said and notice the difference e. g. Tell yourself “I’m useless” in a Mickey Mouse voice and see if you can do it without laughing. Now slow your inner voice down and deepen it (as if you were playing a CD at a tenth of its normal speed. Play with different voices, tonalities and speeds until you find those that make you laugh. Next time you get down on yourself try taking it seriously when using this voice.

3.Consider the location of your inner talk. If it appears to be on the left side of your head move it to the right side, if it’s inside your head, move it to the big toe on your right foot or imagine it coming from outside the room. Notice the difference.

4.Think of someone you admire for their confidence or whatever it is you would like to be able to have available to you (relaxation/calmness etc). What kind of words would you imagine they would play in their head? What voice tonality would be supporting them to achieve their great result? Now imagine stepping into their shoes and saying whatever it was to yourself in their tonality. Take this with you and continue to use this person’s voice and words until you feel comfortable to make them your own.

5.Leonard Cohen once said “Act the way you’d like to be and you’ll soon become the way you act”. It really works!!! Relax in a chair or on a bed. Visualise how you would ideally like to be – what would you be doing?  How would you be moving around? What would you be saying to yourself and others? When you are clear go out into the world and pretend to be that person for a day. Notice what happens – keep it up for a week and notice all the positive changes.

Using these approaches you can begin to overcome the impact of negative self talk, you can make friends with your inner voice and have it truly support you in the future.




How to connect with an attractive stranger



So you spot an attractive person across the room. What happens next?

1.Start matching their body language and make fleeting eye contact

2.Walk towards them confidently with a warm smile. Stand tall.

3.Ask open questions...What, How, When, Where and Who. Be really interested in their answers

4.Match their interests to your own similar experiences. This gives you connection on common ground.

5.Have fun with it. Connecting is all about having a great time with people that you like...so enjoy it!





The “Do’s and Dont’s” of workplace romances



Where do you meet your perfect partner?   Well, there’s no hard and fast rule, but many people find their love through work connections.   The workplace can also be a source of one-night stands, conference flings and flirtatious meetings as well as the start of more permanent connections.   It’s all great fun, but can be a minefield!   So what are the rules of engagement for relationships with people at work?   Annie Lawler, the Soul2Soul Coach and Stress Management Specialist, let’s you into a few secrets of the trade!

1.Rule Number 1 is ‘Never Shag the Client’!   Sorry to be so crude, but it’s wise advice.  You need to maintain a professional relationship with people who are buying from you and this is difficult when personal relationships get in the way.   Potentially, it could put you both in a compromising position with your respective organisations and could be difficult to handle.   If you find yourself fatally attracted to each other and want to start a relationship, you may need to consider declaring your relationship once you are on a ‘steady’ basis, asking for the account to be switched to another team, moving jobs or finding some other solution.   You also need to consider whether your business relationship would be tenable if your personal relationship ends, so think carefully before entering this one.   It has lots of implications, but isn’t insurmountable.   As they say, ‘love conquers all’!

2.When you meet someone you’re really attracted to in your own workplace, many people are so scared of what happens if they are rejected or if a relationship ends, they’d never consider following up on it.   But you could be missing out if you don’t.   Take time with people at work and approach them a little more cautiously than you would someone you meet at a party or in the bar.   Whatever happens, you’ll need to maintain a professional relationship if things don’t go according to plan.

3.If you do start a workplace relationship, it’s probably best in the short term at least to keep it between yourselves until you’re sure of your relationship.   But remember, there are lots of telltale signs and you will probably not be able to continue to keep your relationship a secret long term.

4.If you are in a relationship with someone at work, avoid bringing your home affairs and conflicts into the work arena and vice versa.   You need to keep a professional distinction between the two.   If not, both parts of the relationship can suffer long term.

5.When we’re in environments with lots of late nights and partying, such as travel conferences, it’s easy to fall into one night stands with people.   People are away from home, partners and family and can often use this as an excuse to ‘play single’.   Sometimes this is OK and ‘what goes on conference, stays on conference’, but once you start down a road, remember it may have longer term consequences for your home relationship. In ‘playing away’ you break a trust (even if your partner never finds out) and this could be damaging to you and your relationship.   There could also be implications for your business relationships.   It may be wise to think twice before heading into a conference one-night stand, but if you do find yourself in this situation, have fun, don’t expect too much to result from it after the conference and it’s wiser not to share details with other colleagues.

6.The other thing to bear in mind with flirtations at work is that you need to be aware of the legal situation with regard to sexual discrimination.   What you may think of as a flirtatious comment, only intended as fun, someone else could interpret as highly inappropriate or even something that may encourage them to lodge a complaint.   Be professional in your communication with work colleagues and if you’d like to ask them on a date or pay them a compliment, do so quietly and choose your words carefully.   You can always start with a casual invitation for a coffee or lunch and take it carefully from there. 

 

10 Steps to Successful Relationships

It’s one thing finding the right relationship for you, but what about maintaining the relationship once you have it?   When we first meet someone, we put a lot of effort into the way we look and what we do to impress our potential partner.   But after a while, we can take things for granted and that’s when things can go wrong.   Here Stress Management Specialist and Soul2Soul Coach, Annie Lawler gives you 10 key steps to keeping your relationship fresh.

1.When we truly love someone, we have to love them for who they ARE, not for who we would like them to be.   Don’t make the mistake of trying to change someone, because they may be happy just as they are and will only make changes if they want to.  Accept your partner unconditionally and your relationship will flourish.

2.Pay attention to how you look and take care of yourself so that you can still look attractive and appealing to your partner.   Just because he/she has been around a while, doesn’t mean that you have to stop making an effort – and you’ll feel better about yourself too!

3.It’s easy after a while to become critical of your partner, because the more you get to know them, the more you notice their habits – some of them perhaps less attractive than others!!   But keep your focus on what it is you first liked and still like about them.  Make lists and refer back to them if you need a reminder.  Tell your partner constantly what you love about them and ask them to do the same for you.  It’s a good reminder to you both and bolsters the relationship.

4.Keep the element of surprise!   It’s easy to lapse into routine when you’re used to being with someone, but little surprises show you still care and want to invest in the relationship.   Little notes, text messages, small gifts, surprise night’s out, sleeping on different sides of the bed, making a romantic meal, trying something new in the bedroom etc, are all ways of showing you care and keep things interesting.

5.If you are with friends, family or colleagues show a united front with your partner.   If you have disagreements, you can discuss it later, but it is more supportive of your partner if you keep the peace and show solidarity in public. 

6.It’s better that disagreements are discussed openly with your partner.   A lot of us shy away from this because we’re afraid of hurting the other person.   But make an agreement that, no matter how difficult a subject is, that you will not keep secrets from each other and will be willing to discuss things openly.   Because you disagree doesn’t mean there has to be a row and doesn’t mean your relationship is at an end, but recognise the appropriate place, time and way of discussing even difficult situations openly, caringly and respectfully. 

7.Be willing to make compromises.   A life partnership is not a competition and you don’t have to be right all the time.   Be gracious enough to let your partner get their own way some of the time and to make concessions.   If you find yourself in conflict ask yourself “Does this really matter that much to me or can I give way?”

8.In any conflict, be the one who looks for solutions rather than seeking to criticise or accuse.   It’s much more likely to result in a positive solution.

9.Remember to show affection.  In the early stages of a relationship, we can hardly keep our hands off each other, but when things settle into a routine, we can forget to tell each other how much we care and to show physical affection.   Lots of cuddles, touching and affectionate words keep your partner reassured of your continued love and desire.

10.Keep a sense of humour!   Life can get far too serious, but laughing together is great therapy.   Watch a silly film, share jokes, fool around with each other and keep it light – it’s more fun!

Don’t worry if you have an ‘off’ day or two.   It’s not disaster.  Just get back on track and start again – your relationship and peace of mind are worth it.